In today’s era, understanding attachment styles and setting boundaries is essential, especially within the context of relationships. Renowned relationship coach Sadia Khan, known as @sadiapsychology on TikTok, frequently explores attachment styles and boundaries, emphasizing their psychological and spiritual significance.
Khan, a Pakistani Muslim raised in the United Kingdom, recently gained viral attention for her strong beliefs and opinions on modern relationships in the West. For several years, she has discussed the dynamics of romantic relationships between men and women, often covering controversial topics.
According to Khan, her views have led to considerable hate, especially from women, with some criticizing her to the extent of questioning her psychology credentials. Despite this, she remains outspoken and unafraid to share her perspectives in her own style. Khan has also participated in a few debates with other public figures like Matthew Hussey about relationship issues.
Her insights reveal a unique approach that blends modern psychology with values deeply rooted in her Islamic faith. In this blog article, we examine attachment theory through this combined lens of Islamic teachings and sadiapsychology´s expertise.
Understanding Attachment Styles and Their Relevance
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, categorizes relational patterns formed in early childhood impacting adult relationships. These include secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles.
In line with Islamic values that emphasize trust, respect, and mutual support in relationships, sadiapsychology promotes a secure attachment style, encouraging individuals to develop healthy self-perceptions while establishing reliance as the ultimate source of stability. Her approach is particularly focused on fostering relationships that promote emotional well-being and reduce dependence on external validation, reflecting the balanced relational approach advocated by Islam.
She doesn’t explicitly mention Islam in her arguments or use it to draw comparisons, but it’s easy for a Muslim audience to understand her perspective on these issues. However, she occasionally references her beliefs regarding avoiding adultery, pornography, alcohol, and other prohibitions in Islam. I think she is mindful of her faith, subtly guarding it in her interactions with non-Muslims.
This approach is beneficial, as Muslims don’t always need to use religion to support every point. But could it be even more effective for public figures like sadiapsychology to incorporate more Islamic wisdom to help people understand their message? In some cases, referring to one’s faith can provide the audience with insight into one’s background. This approach may help others grasp her perspective, especially considering that not everyone was raised as a Muslim, even if they have converted.
Boundaries in Islam: Protection and Preservation
In her content, sadiapsychology frequently highlights the importance of boundaries, which she defines as essential for self-respect and emotional health. Boundaries, as she explains, help individuals preserve their personal values, dignity, and independence. This aligns closely with Islamic teachings on modesty and self-respect, including the concept of hijab as both a physical and internal boundary. Khan encourages her audience to view boundaries as protective rather than restrictive, fostering a safe space for emotional growth.
From an Islamic perspective, setting boundaries honors both oneself and others. Surah Al-Nur (24:27) stresses the importance of respecting privacy, and it naturally resonates with Khan’s views on relational boundaries. She reminds her audience that boundaries prevent emotional exhaustion and foster respect, allowing individuals to nurture meaningful relationships without compromising their sense of self.
As women, we are privileged with the concept of “owning our bodies” through modesty in how we choose to dress and behave. In today’s world, promiscuity is widespread, but modesty is also gaining popularity as a counter-movement.
Since the earliest times, Muslim women have been encouraged to cover their beauty, from head and hair to toes, as this is considered a woman’s awrah (the intimate parts of the body) in Islam. For men, the awrah is from the belly button to the knees. Both men and women are responsible for maintaining modesty and avoiding promiscuity. Such actions serve to set boundaries with the opposite sex.
Types of Attachment and Islamic Parallels, with sadiapsychology’s Perspective
1. Secure Attachment and Islamic Trust (Tawakkul)
A secure attachment style is defined by stability and a balanced reliance on others, which mirrors the Islamic principle of tawakkul (trust in Allah). Sadiapsychology promotes tawakkul as the foundation for secure attachment, encouraging followers to build emotional resilience through divine reliance rather than depending solely on human validation. She believes that by spiritually anchoring oneself, individuals can confidently engage in relationships, reducing anxiety and dependency.
2. Anxious Attachment and Islam’s Emphasis on Self-Worth
Khan frequently addresses the challenges associated with an anxious attachment style, marked by fear of abandonment and dependency. She encourages those struggling with anxious attachment to root their self-worth in their relationship with Allah, a central tenet of Islamic teachings.
Islam discourages excessive attachment to worldly things, which helps reduce dependency on others. Khan promotes the idea of self-worth derived from a deep, personal relationship with Allah, echoing Quranic guidance such as “Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease” (Quran 94:6).
3. Avoidant Attachment and the Value of Community (Ummah) in Islam
Avoidant attachment, which involves a reluctance to rely on others, contrasts with Islam’s emphasis on community and mutual support. Khan emphasizes that emotional isolation is neither fulfilling nor aligned with Islamic teachings on ummah (community or our nation). She encourages those with avoidant tendencies to gradually open up and engage in meaningful connections within a supportive community, facilitating trust and cooperation.
I’ve also noticed that she often brings up childhood traumas, including experiences from when she was young and the protective nature of her parents, as well as her teachers. Sadiapsychology has mentioned a few times that teachers also play an important role in nurturing children, helping them grow into more secure and well-rounded individuals. This upbringing contributed to her becoming less dependent on others’ views or opinions. Sadia also suggests that a nurturing and caring childhood can reduce the likelihood of becoming overly dependent on others in adulthood, particularly in romantic relationships.
4. Disorganized Attachment and Islam’s Path to Healing
Disorganized attachment, often rooted in past trauma, poses complex challenges. Although Khan doesn´t address this often, it is clear that she is also advocating for the therapeutic benefits of practices such as salah (prayer) and dhikr (remembrance of Allah). Which provide spiritual grounding and healing. Islam encourages believers to seek divine support and practical solutions, such as counseling and open communication. Khan’s integration of therapy and Islamic values helps individuals find a path to healing, making trauma recovery more accessible.
5. Boundaries and Self-Respect in Islamic Relationships
Khan emphasizes the importance of boundaries in relationships as a form of self-respect and emotional intelligence. Her teachings often reflect the Prophet´s (pbuh) approach to relationship boundaries, exemplified by his practice of seeking solitude for reflection. In line with Islam, which emphasizes both community support and the need for personal space, Khan believes that setting boundaries is key to maintaining one’s well-being.
She also discusses the need for respectful communication as a form of boundary, aligning with Quranic advice to “speak to people in a good way” (Quran 2:83). This, she notes, ensures interactions that honor both personal integrity and Islamic values, encouraging others to balance closeness with respect.
Practical Steps: Balancing Attachment and Boundaries
Sadiapsychology provides practical advice for applying attachment theory in a way that aligns with Islamic teachings. Here are a few strategies she often recommends:
- Emotional awareness through reflection: Khan emphasizes the importance of self-reflection, akin to muraqabah in Islam, to enhance emotional awareness and identify attachment patterns.
- Support through duaa and dhikr: Khan advocates regular duaa and dhikr for grounding, especially for those dealing with anxious attachment. This practice helps individuals focus on divine closeness over reliance on people.
- Empathy and forgiveness: By encouraging empathy and forgiveness, Khan aligns with Islamic teachings to foster understanding, helping to overcome anxious and avoidant tendencies.
- Seeking knowledgeable guidance: Khan advises her followers to seek support from trusted mentors/coaches and counselors, consistent with the Islamic value of Istisharah (consultation).
- Balanced dependence: Reflecting Islamic principles, she emphasizes a healthy dependence on Allah and the importance of avoiding excessive reliance on others, aiding individuals in developing a secure attachment style.
Integrating Psychology and Your Faith
By aligning attachment theory with Islamic values, sadiapsychology provides an insightful framework for Muslims seeking relational balance and spiritual harmony. Through her integration of psychological insights with principles like Tawakkul, Hijab/covering the awrah, and self-respect, she offers a pathway to healthier relationships that honor both personal integrity and divine guidance.
Khan’s approach encourages her followers to seek self-fulfillment through balanced, meaningful relationships—demonstrating that attachment and boundaries are not only psychological concepts but also spiritual practices.
This total approach allows Muslims to approach relationships with compassion, self-awareness, and faith, fostering relationships that reflect both psychological health and spiritual peace. In a world that often prioritizes individualism over community, sadiapsychology´s teachings and coaching serve as a reminder of the depth that Islamic values bring to the conversation on attachment and boundaries.
Conclusion: My thoughts
As mentioned, Sadia (@sadiapsychology) reportedly receives a lot of criticism, particularly from women. I don’t fully understand why. She sparks healthy conversations that is necessary to have in this era of time.
From my own experiences, I’m used to this kind of hate and jealousy, especially from other women. I encounter this kind of behavior almost every day, and as you can imagine, it’s become very revealing to me by now. I’ve come to realize that this negativity often stems from their own insecurities, and has nothing to do with me. So, rule number uno: don´t take it too personal.
Nevertheless, I will never stop advocating for women’s rights or uplifting other women. I know how challenging it can be to navigate life as a woman, let alone a black woman today. So, I refuse to respond with the same negativity. Instead, we respond to hate with logic, meeting criticism with knowledge, not anger. Don’t get me wrong—when someone crosses that boundary, I’m not afraid to speak my mind. But I’ll always leave them realizing their wrongdoings.
True healing means standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. Learning to do this gracefully, without losing your integrity, is transformative. It took me a while to reach this level of understanding, and I want to help other women tap into the power of words and self-respect. I’ve also learned how to turn the criticism from others into motivation. Forget turning lemons into lemonade—I turn negativity into emeralds. This mindset took time to cultivate, but I’ll be sharing more insights on this journey in my upcoming book, which will be available soon.
References
Sadia Khan´s website: https://www.sadiapsychology.com/
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1993-01038-001
The mountain is you by Brianna Wiest
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